How to Disappear Completely

by Annie Elizabeth Kreiser

1. Apply exclusively to out of state schools. Do NOT apply to Penn State under any circumstances. It doesn’t matter where you go, but it sure as hell won’t be here.

2. Eat lunch in your English teacher’s classroom. She promises you’re “not bothering” her, but chew your chips slowly to make as little noise as possible.

3. Daydream about moving to New York City in Algebra. Browse apartments you can’t afford on Zillow.

4. Go on a date with Kenny because Jess said “You guys would be, like, so cute together!”.

5. Tell Kenny you’re too scared to watch the next installment of the Saw series. Leave before the previews are over.

6. Call your mom from the movie theater bathroom and ask her to pick you up early because Kenny said reading Betty Friedan was a waste of time.

7. Pay your enrollment deposit to Ithica. It’s not New York City, but it’s not State College either.

8. Don’t go to prom because “Under the Stars” is a lame theme (NOT because Kenny never asked you).

9. Toss your cap at graduation. Whisper to yourself, This is it. I’m finally getting out of here.

10. Dye your hair red the day after graduation so no one can recognize you. Your boring brown hair was so high school.

11. Develop a crush on Ari Aster. Major in film.

12. Switch your major to communications. Dye your hair black in mourning.

13. Sleep with that one environmental science major from the underground concert. Get bored and look at the moth poster on his wall (It looks cooler than him anyway).

14. Turn your phone off because Environmental Science Guy isn’t answering your texts.

15. Go to the Alpha Sigma Phi party. You’re a strong, independent woman and you aren’t about to let some guy ruin your night.

16. Puke on your way home.

17. Walk in on environmental science guy sleeping with your roommate. Later, ask her if she saw the moth poster.

18. Shave your hair to reject feminine beauty standards. Never dye your hair black again.

19. Write about feminine beauty standards for your College Writing final.

20. Wear sweats and don’t brush your hair before you go to the grocery store with your mom over winter break.

21. Avoid eye contact with Kenny while he walks past the feminine hygiene aisle… twice.

22. Meet up with Jess and her new boyfriend. Instantly forget his name. (Was it Nick or Nate?)

23. Learn Jess’s new boyfriend is a member of Alpha Sigma Phi. Say you like their parties (You don’t).

24. Learn Betty Friedan was homophobic and racist in your gender studies class. Invest in a poster of Audre Lorde.

25. Return to your summer job at Dairy Queen. Day dream about getting out of here, for real this time.

26. Open up your laptop after your shift one night. Type “Study abroad scholarships South Africa” into Google. Whisper to yourself, This is it. I’m finally getting out of here.

Annie Elizabeth Kreiser is an angry feminist majoring in secondary education and English. She is also a sophomore and the managing editor for Pitch. Her work is influenced by coming of age as a woman and has been featured in Onyx and Volume 10 of Pitch.