I am so very Tired

Nicole Lewis

I am so very tired

My body is filled with lead

a gray static kind

Not fully together

I am never fully together

I wish i wasn't tired

I tell my family

And they tell me

You're so young

You have no reason to be tired

I look back to them and say

I know

I know i am

So why am i

Why am I so tired ?

my limbs still hold me in bed

Locking me to my mattress

Despite being so tired

My brain never turns off

It constantly hums

Even at 3 am

Screaming at me

Repeating thoughts

I never get rest

My body doesn't allow it

Eaten away

By my own lethargy

And no one seems alarmed

No one seems to care

I am so very tired

I am sick

And

Fucking tired

Of doing shit

It dosent fucking stop

You wake up

Do shit

Go to school

Do shit

Go home

Do shit

Life is just a cluster fuck of doing shit

Its work shit

Or school shit

Or home shit

There isnt a lick of rest

Youre going to school to get a better job

Working to get money to buy things and pay rent

And doing chores around the house to take care

Of the thing you worked so damn hard to get

And if you rest?

The shit piles up

Chlothes pile up

Dishes pile up

Work piles up

The only thing that dosent pile up is food

Because youre eating it and running out

Its absolutely

Insanely

Totally

Fucking bonkers

And i gotta take care of my own body too

This bitch isnt self running

I gotta feed it

Wash it

Charge it

Can it do nothing on its own?

Life is a bitch, huh?

I want to smoke

I want a smoke

So

Bad

Fun fact

I have never smoked in my life

Nothing

Not a cigarette

Not a vape

Not a herbal cigarette

Not a joint

Nothing

I dont know why

But some days

I feel like taking a smoke

At night

In the cold

Will solve all of my problems

Like breathing in through that small thing

Will cure everything

Will fix everything

Nicole Lewis is a psychology major from Maryland.